Please send these letters A.S.A.P.


By: Chris Schaefer

Here are a couple of letters that may be written tonight:

#1
Dear MLB,
For Sale: 1 overpaid, underachieving disappointment of a player. Included with purchase are a pricey contract, the knack to look at strikes and a lack of courage. We’re also accepting interesting trades. Perhaps a VHS copy of “Jaws: The Revenge,” or a Mitch Williams rookie card in poor condition. Maybe a 40 oz. of King Cobra and a half-smoked cigarette with lipstick stains? We’re looking to unload his hefty contract and beg Cliff Lee to come back to town. If you don’t know who we’re talking about it’s Ryan Howard. He used to be really good. He used to get RBI’s when we needed him to. Perhaps he can help your team.
Love,
The Phillies

#2
Dear San Francisco Giants,
We lost to you tonight in the NLCS. You won, but you didn’t beat us, we beat ourselves. Enjoy 2nd place! We finished in the same spot last year and believe it when we say it wasn’t as awesome as you think. Live it up now, even though in actuality you haven’t won anything yet. Your fans deserve the right to write on our fans’ facebook pages and talk trash, but we both know it will be short lived. You’ve never won a championship and you never will. You are no match for Cliff Lee and the mighty team down in Texas. Your fans will disappear just as quickly as they showed up. Your merchandise will be on eBay in the next few weeks for everyone to enjoy.
Love,
The Phillies
P.S. We have a great first baseman for sale or trade if you’re interested in accumulating more of our trashy discarded players.

Not the actual letters

This article was also published here: Bleacher Report

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About phillysportsgod

I'm a Philly sports fan who was born in the city of brotherly love.
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3 Responses to Please send these letters A.S.A.P.

  1. Howard Sucks says:

    LMAO! Oh man this is classic! Especially the first letter, LOL @ Jaws the Revenge.

  2. Skullneck says:

    The Curse of Mitch Williams returns! WTF since when is he a commentator for FOX? Sorry if I missed him in the past but when the game was over and he was doing post game analysis I thought it was some sick cruel joke! Way to rub it in FOX.

    Howard needs a swift kick in the ass. Strike 3 looking? in a deciding game of the NLCS? Sums up his season. I will admit the pitch was low and very close to being called either way but this is more Ryan’s fault than a bad call by the ump.

    Sorry ABS I will be going for SF. No way I want Texas to win. I give SF credit they were hungry and wanted to win more than us. I just feel bad for Halladay. What a great season to end up like that. Hopefully our bats will wake up next year and we will be back on top. The big question is do we sign Worth? I say Hell Yes.

  3. Utley Jr says:

    Dude we GOTTA keep Werth but he won’t come for cheap! Skullneck is right, we can’t root for Texas but who wants SF to win? This sucks!

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